catching up, slowing down.

swirling emotions, and bad dreams. good vibes and strange nights. losing myself in distractions lately. Yoga makes you breathe and slow down. All the thoughts rolling around in my head so hard to quiet. Even with medications and mindfull awareness.. the slow comes hard to me. had a good talk with friends on Sunday after Bills. Sometimes it's good not to have a timeline to return to. I forget what that feels like. It feels so good that I want C to feel that way soon. Maybe we can forget our troubles in a night that never ends. Maybe i'm just thinking fairytale dreams again. Maybe i'll never learn.

Yoga makes me feel stronger than I am. Now I can push up on my toes and flip myself into a number of positions in seamless succession. Still there are lots of things I cannot do. The bathroom scale keeps mocking me. It stays the same place. I at this point have given up and given in to the yoga, zumba, long walks and feeling terrific no matter what that fucker says. Today is overall day. Overall and 75208 t shirt day, baby doll hair clip and pony tail. Flip Flops. Red lipstick. Dj Shadow. I ran into an old friend in Xpo last night. He asked me what I hadn't done in a long time for fun and I said go dancing. It's been a long time, but I dance everyday in the store, in the house, in the supermarkets, in the car. Especially in the store. Everyday when my back is tight and the streets are ignoring my little windows I just turn it up and dance. I asked him and he said swimming. He grew up by the coast. I can't imagine feeling so lonesome for something that is in your blood like that. It's almost like breathing. I miss the beach. I miss the feeling that no one is missing me if I am there. I like the feeling of not having to answer to anything but the ocean and the sky. Sunburn and all, it's worth it. Not this year, maybe next. I've written countless poems about the ocean. I am a fish, I will always long to be there. And yet I respect its power. Jazz jazz and open mic guitars. Cigarettes and trainspotting. My old friend and I try to figure out life over a few puffs and musings. Our train will never come. Not the one we are waiting for. He is broken right now. I'm a fixer upper always in transition. We are both beautiful, happy and sad at the same time. We laugh and think people think we are talking about serious things. It's just life, on a monday night in xpo park. Everything has changed in 20 years. No more bookstore, no more deli on the corner, no more retro shops. Bars and bikes and gastropubs. Is that what will happen to X+? It seems like it could be. I walk back to the jazz bar and let the music hit my back and the wind hit my face. i drive home and he is sleeping. coze up to his warm familiar body. the day holds so much for us. Sometimes I lay for hours listening to him sleep. What will tomorrow bring?

and another note, just ran into a regular that has been coming around. looking for work now, and yes, he knows A.P. and it just proves that everyone in the world knows AP. You probably do to. Crazy wild mad man on the piano and typewriter. Suitcases full of jewels of poetry. Stream of consciousness word play from another world. I love him. He hates me for now, but soon we'll be ok. Things happen and people say and do hurtfull things to each other. We are only human. I had a tall pedastal for him and his words, and well I always do for poets. Genius poets. So hard to contain in your life for more than fleeting moments. I will always love the mad ones. Always have and always will. I breathe in compassion and self love. I breathe out negative thoughts and paranoia and fear. I breathe into the positions that life is put me into and try to go deeper into them to understand thier signifigance in my life. In all life. I breathe in the understanding and knowledge to accept its lessons, but most of all I breathe out the fear. Namaste.