second day wild beast subdued with stack of cloud stone goodies or a promise of future pain.

Second day on Klonopin. Only silighty giddy in moments that I realise I may very well be feeling normal. Of course normality scares me. Last night I was faced yet again with the on going barage of nonsense and venom of my local nemesis via facebook and myspace postings. The difference this time was I felt as if I was on the outside looking in on the mess instead of feeling like I was knee deep in that mire. Then I laughed, shrugged and took a hot shower. The steam was delicious, and as I soaped up my legs I noticed the slight lines of muscle forming thanks to all the cycling and walking i've been doing lately. I'd like to try yoga again, but I don't think I can trust myself to STOP when the pain starts. It goes back to early recognition that pain was kinda pleasureable. That and the mantra of the 80's that you have to ' FEEL THE BURN' or 'NO PAIN NO GAIN' yeah, I take that shit to heart. In the 90's when I got my first of a few piercings, (my first was my tounge ring) my friends came with me for moral support. They said I never even flinched. So yeah, that's what you are dealing with. I'm not going to say childbirth wasn't the most fucked up pain i've ever known. I'd have to say that having broken molars coming in was. I could easily have picked up a gun and shot myself just to get a diversion from that! Anyway, I have to say that I am feeling No PAIN right now. I just ask my close friends to come to me on the day I stop being myself and tell me to stop taking these things. It's just that I got an almost disruptive free block of sleep last night and it was amazing. I have been going months with only a few hours here and there. Lots of late night tv, which is all actually poker, news or talk shows with people I've never heard about. Whats worse is the alcohol and other kind of consumption I've been used to doing just to get some kind of anxiety free sleep. It's been killing me inside. Warm wine in my underwear watching Wendy Williams. WINNING!

It's difficult to sit here and type. All I allow myself to think about is my nemesis somehow finding this and tearing it apart publicly on his 'blog of note' that no one reads. Sounds ridiculous, right? Well, I don't know where to put my commas. I don't spell anything right, I forget to capitalize 'I' most of the time, I create run-on sentances, I don't hold on to topics well, I just from idea to idea without any real flow. Well, let me tell you why.. because that's the way I think. That is the way I talk when you are right in front of me. I don't dream in typeset with semi colons and commas and exclamation points. I talk in whatever rambling noncoherent way I can. Sometime the words come so fast I feel muckle mouthed and clumsy, sometime I have to say something so fast and so loud I will grab you arm or your hand and look into your face and just SAY IT, even if it is out of context or if it is absurd or incoherent or pointless. Words so beautiful to see on the page, even more precious floating in the air between us, crashing into hearts and minds and smiles, words are so amazing,. I may never be able to master them, but I still love them..however unrefined I may be, I will always love words, and you need a dr. If you don't believe that I do.

Thanks Dez.