And so it goes

I didn’t ask for this life.

No one ever thinks of themselves not succeeding. It isn’t that I haven’t had any type of success at all in life. I just feel that I have not allowed myself to truly have any real success. My acceptable level of poverty and mediocrity has been on the decline since I gave up being happy. I thought it was for the best.

 

Now I find myself in a mind numbing existence making small talk with people I wouldn’t ordinarily even want to be around on a daily basis. Who makes friends at work? Is that a thing? I guess it was once when I was younger and had less desire to escape. Ah to be young and stupid.

 

I didn’t ask for this life. I don’t remember what it felt like to aspire to anything more that what I am.

When I lost my business I gave up dreaming. I began to survive. There is very little joy in this kind of living. I burrowed in, I drank it up and I ignored everything outside of my own stunted ability to see further than my own nose. I gave up joy. I gave up.

 

Somewhere along that time, my husband began to stray. He found solace in my best friend, and my best friend obliged him her time. She was single and she was always drunk so it would be easy to blame it on something else. He drank too. I watched it happen in front of my own eyes and I just kept drinking to ignore it. He didn’t mistreat me. In fact he treated me better than I had ever been treated in my life. I was happy for a while. I felt loved. I felt complete. He was getting the best of me and of my best friend.

So you know he was happy.

 

When do you stop protecting yourself? When you give up being happy? When you give your life up to something or someone else? How can we be expected to stay with someone for the rest of your life?

I don’t want to die alone. Not after I gave 20 years to him. He should be there for me when I need him. I plan on dying pretty soon. I’ve been chronic since I was in my early 20s and I’ve been cheating time since then. Now, I don’t have much to live for now that the only stability I have had in my life has just been pulled out from under me. I don’t want to stay with him, but I cannot afford to leave. DO I love him? Yes. But I think that is not always enough. Maybe no one ever really belongs to another. Maybe we are just on lend until the inevitable pain comes. It will come. They will deceive you and they will hurt you. You will yell and scream and cry. You will hit them and you will throw things against the wall. You will think about them fucking your best friends, you will think about them thinking about fucking your best friends.  You will look at your poor tired old body and wonder how anyone could ever love you after he did this to you. After you gave him your youngest best years. You look at him and you don’t want him anymore. You look at him and you wonder what you ever saw in him. Hes just like all the rest. He’s just like your fucking father.