that was nice, now tell me how this makes any kind of difference.

What has happened since we last spoke. Closed the shop, lost my house, moved into a postage stamp apartment with no bedroom, sleeping on a broken futon, started a new corporate gig at part time hours and lost contact with almost everyone I talk to since October of last year. I'm sure i'm missing some things.. but that is the gist of it. Now instead of this flowery poetry type depression thing i've got this full on uncontrollable feeling of malaise and disatisfaction with things. People. Ideals. Everything fails me, or do I fail it? Do I get a big fat 'F' on life because I couldn't hack it in the real world, the real 'im in charge now' world or do we chalk it up to experience and have a good laugh at it when the toilet tank top breaks or we buy cheap food with stamps. I thought I'd be able to hack this shit, but really I'm just going thru the motions. Part time work keeps me busy and not thinking. But when i'm thinking, oh holy hell the thoughts we have.. WE the brain and I in constant battle. Oh and the boredom. No more socialite drinks and chats, no free tickets or invitations and not even Friends that I can really see. It's just me and my Klonopin against the world. Nodding off is fun but I can't dream anymore. I don't think I'm doing what I'm suppossed to be doing right now, but the bills are getting paid. Oh the resentment. Against who or what I'm not sure if but anyone but myself. I get high and nod off to incredible thoughts of walking realisations. I was not committed. I was not on the ball. I let it slide thru my fingertips. I got caught up in my own bad vibes and juju and could not accept success in any form. Now I fight a daily battle with this otherworld I woke up into. My boss is almost 20 years younger than me. And I can't do shit right for him. It's all very pathetic. I owe people lots of money, but I work 20 hours a week. I don't have anything to spare. What little I have I spend on my kid as some kind of apology for putting her thru all this shit. I'm not even writing anymore. Who cares? Who CARES? WHO CARES?